83│only one road

remember

actually driving hurry

fast around one turn

needing to slow down

all of a sudden normal everyday

experience

and the truck the other way

this moment of panic coming at me in all directions and weird descriptions

retaining wall instinctual habitual lots of ways not even conscious

knew where I was

and knew what my options were

because of where I was on the road

and everything and all

I can remember was this truck,

turning, coming at me,

massive vehicle, massive thing,

on a bend,

tons of vegetation,

vines, overhanging vines,

monkeys,

flat palms,

[bouganville], those,

tropical hardwoods, again,

vines,

remember seeing, turning, bigger forms,

bigger force,

larger object, very tip of car

behind truck, a flash,

what kind of car,

registering, quickly,

how many cars behind that car,

fear, more fear,

braking hard, instant reaction,

nothing one can do …

I am fucked,

I am completely fucked, I said,

whispering, screaming to myself,

darkness,

aftershock, the heart,

back in the conscious realm,

looking around, a tonne of cars,

there was really a line of cars,

knowing the lack of regard to law,

up, up, get up, scared to get up, no pain,

not feeling any pain at all,

disbelief, all of a sudden alive again,

feeling OK, so unbelievable,

who knows what is going to happen,

still in danger, get out of this road, instinct,

jumping out of the road immediately,

a really bad decision as it turned out, if only

I would have crawled—

saving one of my ligaments; it could have helped in recovery,

frantic energy, get yourself out of this experience,

out of this spot, we just got hit here,

is there going to be in-patient care,

it is not so common here,

no lights, you don’t have to say that, no lights,

excruciation:

it is not supposed to bend like that,